According to this, there is great potential for the authorial voice behind this patchy tittle-tattle to become the next Ernest Hemingway in town. I quote hereunder:

“You chose clear and unflashy words that get right to the point. Other writers known for this style are George Orwell and Raymond Carver. Try your hand at a six-word memoir, consider a career in journalism, and maintain an active Twitter account.” 

Instead I am trying my best at making some sense out of this:

According to Piero, I should yoga my way into happier finances by visualizing a rag-to-riches existence which would definitely manifest when least expected if only a) I allowed myself to be divested of all signs of corrosive negativity obstructing my more than imminent relaunch into prosperity and bliss and b) consented to be brainwashed (Piero actually used the verb ‘lured’ here) by this.

Instead I am listening to this:

According to Francesca (yes, I suspect somebody must have instigated a Let’s Save pLeaSe haNDle wiTh CarE campaign without my knowledge), I should be having a) more sex as well as b) more sex.

Instead I have just quite predictably treated myself to one of these.

The weekend looks promising. Weatherwise at least. I will be spending most of those yet-to-be-seen 30 degrees Celsius in store recovering from Ms Back in the Saddle and Trotting Wildly’s plan within a plan.

According to her, she is unfortunately unable to afford me (hello???) on the same unwritten terms and conditions as before (helloooooo???), but has nonetheless come up with a solution to compensate me for the ‘sudden turn of the events’. She reckons I should be all over the moon to be one of the few people on earth to boast the ideal skill-set to offer my services to hold a wake of unattended deceased persons in order to ensure their souls are kept in good company before burial. I know… Still in shock too. A goldmine amongst the (clinically certified dead) members of the Orthodox Jewish community, she guarantees. A reference letter is now in the process of being produced and sent to my Hotmail inbox, but in the meantime she has kindly forwarded me this so that I can start darting my CV to hit target asap.

I can foresee an incredible amount of cover letter editing over the weekend.